Zumba

Well, the New Year has started and so far so good on the resolution. I have made far better food choices and better use of my time at home with my family. I have some lofty goals this year, but I am determined this will be my year. I will turn 36 in a few days and I refuse to be the same person I have been. She is not the person I saw myself being when I grew up. Now, I've set the goals; accomplishing them will take planning, discipline and time. We are 14 days into the new year and so far, so good. Last week I went to a Zumba class at the Y. I loved it. It's kinda like jammin' dancing. I have gone 4 times and I plan to keep going. The class is very popular and last night there were over 70 people in the class. I'm not all that coordinated, but I don't really care. There are a lot of little hotties in the class, but that doesn't bother me. I sweat my ass off and I don't care that I might look like a chubby dork. In a few months I hope to be less chubby and less dorky!

Unrecognizable

That's what I see when I look at myself in so many ways. I hate the person I've become and I don't just mean the weight. I hate that my weight consumes me, makes me tired and crabby, I feel like I'm lumbering everytime I do something or go somewhere and I hate that my issues with it affect my parenting. I am quick to get grouchy and I know it's cuz I'm irritated with myself, not necessarily the boys or Brent, but they bear the brunt of my bitchiness, which is entirely unfair. I have had some serious thoughts as to seeking an addiction counselor. Candy and sweets consume me. I am tired of my clothes not fitting or wearing stuff that doesn't look very cute b/c it's a huge size. The other night at supper, both of the boys made a comment about my weight and while it hurt to hear it, I couldn't put down my food. What the hell does that say about me??? I heard something one time that said I don't need to lose weight to be happy, but be happy and the weight will be lost. I try to adhere to that philosophy, but I'm sure it came from someone skinny trying to inspire millions! I plan to dust off the journal SheShe sent me and get crackin.

New Challenge

I know this isn't much, but yesterday it was 80 degrees in Bismarck and after lunch I couldn't wait to get outside. We had spent the day at the lake on Saturday seeding the grass. I didn't work too hard, but I did rake some leaves just to pass the time. Gryffen wanted to jump off the fence into a pile of leaves, so he kept asking me to rake more and more and I thought, why not? I'm getting exercise and my son wants to do something fun. So while it wasn't much exercise, it was better than sitting down doing nothing. As for Sunday, when we did go out after lunch (which was open face turkey sandwiches that were yummy), I rode bike in the back yard with Gavyn. He made a dirt bike trail in the tree row, so to get back there I had to ride my bike to the back of our yard. Now, I know that doesn't sound like much and when you look at the yard you do not see an incline, but let me tell you when you are my size trying to ride a bike that is probably not the right size and you are going up a slight incline, it sucks! When we got to the trail, it was slightly wet, which created mud on the tires, so now add about 5 or 8 extra pounds of mud-weight to the already difficult biking terrain and it was an asthma attack waiting to happen. I'll pause here so you can catch your breath because I know you are laughing your tush off! So anyway, after one round on the trail, I had to decline another round. So Gryffen and I took Murry for a walk around the block and Gavyn rode my bike with us trying to get the mud off the tires. So my whole point in all of this is that I did exercise of some sort 2 days in a row. I had to skip lunch today at work due to some scheduling issues so I am leaving an hour early, which means I am going to go to the gym. I have my bag in the car and was planning to check in later with Brent to make sure he could get the boys from school so I could go, but now since I'm leaving early, that won't even be an issue. When I got to work today, I had an email from my Butts and Guts instructor. He said we were having class tonight, but the last time we met, he'd pretty much said he was going to give our class refunds and start over in January if anyone wanted to. So I assumed we were done and hadn't planned on going. We have some stuff going on tonight and if it weren't for me getting off early today, I'd try to accomodate going, but since I'm planning to go to the gym anyway, I may not go to Butts and Guts. Although, as an added bonus, I really should. So my new challenge is to get back on track with exercising regularly and to use the food tracker thing SheShe is going to send me. So ladies, let's get refocused and back on track!!

Candy

I am frustrated. Blogging about it doesn't help motivate me, it just helps me wallow in my commisery. My Butts and Guts class is almost over, my butt seems to have only increased in size. My gut is no tighter. I was actually the only one who showed up to the class last Thursday. It was cold out, but not raining, so there was no reason others didn't show up, but they didn't. I felt good about that at least; that I had made the committment and actually showed up. I think a lot of the women have given up. I have too, but I figure I paid for the class, I'm going to go and get my money's worth. It was kinda nice being there by myself. I got individualized attention, although we got to talking about nutrition and stuff, which is good, but then I felt like he was pushing me to sign up to take some personal sessions with him. He's $35 a session and he went on to describe how the sessions would work and he said something about how it would be 10-12 sessions over a 3 month time frame. What I really would like if I could afford and my schedule would allow would be to do 4 times a week every week for a at least 3 or 4 weeks to begin to see some results. He also mentioned that we could only workout at certain places because even tho he and I are both members of the Y, he couldn't work out with me there because he's not a trainer for them. I thought it would just be like 2 friends working out together. We both paid for memberships, so what difference does it make if he works out on the machine next to me or we run the track side by side, but he said he would be uncomfortable doing that. Well, I am uncomfortable paying for another membership elsewhere in addition to private session fees. It doesn't make any sense for me to pay extra for another gym. I already have a gym membership and it's only 3 blocks from my office, so why can't I just drag my butt there every day. As for the Halloween candy, it ticks me off. There is never not a 'season' when there isn't some candy in a new seasonal wrapper that screams at me to buy it and eat it.

Commitments

I made a commitment to blog. I made a commitment to drink more water. I made a commitment to eat healthier. I made a commitment to my husband 12 years ago this Sunday. Why can I keep a commitment to my husband for 12 years already and yet I can't keep my other commitments? I struggle with this because they seem to simple and yet are the most difficult to stay committed to. My Butts and Guts class is more than 1/2 over and I don't look any different from behind, the side, the front or any other way you look at me. I know it's because I can't change my entire body with 2 workouts a week. I need to be doing something in between. The instructor scheduled some make up classes for us. I made it to one so far. Tonight class is cancelled because of the weather. We had class Monday and a make up both Tuesday and Wednesday. I didn't make it to either of them. I could have gone last night, but I had some other errands that I had been putting off for over a week. It felt great to get them off my 'to-do' list and I did eat well yesterday, so I guess that's how I justify it. The weather is continually getting cooler, so maybe I'll feel more like I can get to the gym rather than wanting to get home to be outside doing stuff. I did step on the scale on Tuesday and was depressed with the number. I stepped on today and it was down 2 lbs. Don't get too excited. I fluctuate those 2 lbs continuously. We are having a dinner party get together at my friend Amy's this weekend. She does the B & G class with me. I am down to bring a salad. I am going to find a healthy one and I am not going to over eat! (I'm going to save most of my calories for wine!) This morning as I was attempting to drag my lumbering body out of the car, saddled with my oversized purse, my briefcase, a full lunchbag and my coffee, it hit me that as difficult as it was because I felt like I weighed 1000 lbs, it will only get worse at winter comes and rages on. Not only will it be all this stuff, but a heavy jacket and heavier clothing in general. I need to get my priorities straight and focus on my health. I've said it before and I'll continue to say it; my weight consumes me so it's not just my physical health that I need to focus on but my mental health as well. I think part of my mental health will be improved when I'm not thinking about my weight all the time. I have my gym bag in the car because I didn't know class was cancelled until I got to work and I usually keep it in the car anyway. Brent went to Minot today and if he gets back in time to pick up the boys, I have no excuse not to go to the gym. I packed only good, nutritous foods today and I've been eating like this all week. If I could just get past the 2 lbs fluctuation, I'd feel like I accomplished something and it would be the spark I need. I just need to stay on track, get past the hump and take it one day at a time.

Make that 3 in a row

Yesterday was a good eating day too! We had ice cream bars for an afternoon treat at work as part of state employees recognition week; mine is still in the freezer because I refused to eat it! I had a little extra part of a sandwhich for supper last night but I was starving for some reason. Other than that, I did great. I did not get any exercise in, but I managed to get 3 bottles of water down. I know that's not enough and I should have exercised too, but 1 out of 3 is better than none!

2 in a row

Yesterday was a good day too. I ate well the entire day, but did not get in all the water I should have. I did not get a workout in, but I stayed active and busy the entire evening. It was hot yesterday and we didn't turn on the air before leaving the house and it was a steamy 79 degrees in the house when we got home. We figured it would start cooling off by the time we got home and since we would be gone all day it wouldn't make sense to turn on the air. Well, since it was so hot I splurged and had a beer at the end of the night. It was a mic ultra, so I guess that counts for something. The scale was down 1/2 pound today. Not much else to blog about.....

Wow-what happened?

So I said I was going to blog everyday and I had done pretty well for a while. My trip to Boise was the kicker and got me out of the habit, of both blogging and trying to eat better. My trip was good professionally; I was elected President of the group for all the states. I am the face of the group now and I don't like that it's a fat face. We took pictures at the end of the conference and I couldn't beleive how chubby I looked. It was awful. I have a picture of me in my desk from the first year I attended this conference in 2003. I was SKINNY! Now I compare the 2 photos, 6 years and 30 pounds apart. It's just so sad. I ate horrible while I was gone and have continued to do so ever since. To top that off, I didn't excercise. Well, now that it's behind me, it's going to stay that way. I started fresh yesterday and I had an awsome day. I'll celebrate each daily victory and yesterday was one for sure. I ate super all day long! My one downturn was the orange soda I bought at lunch. I told myself not to get it, but it was hot out and I was going for a walk at lunch after I ran a couple errands so I grabbed the pop anyway. I learned my lesson last night at Guts and Butts because I worked my ass off for a full 45 minutes and only burned enough calories to compensate for the pop. Are you kidding me? So I had to work my ass off for another 45 minutes. I guess I can take that lesson with me and not drink that stuff anymore. I am on to just water for a while. So yesterday I ate great, went for a walk at lunch, had a good day at work, went to Guts and Butts and had a good workout. When I got home, I had a bowl of cereal and an egg beater for protein, then sweat my ass off some more cleaning the bathroom. I was in a good mood all day, accomplished some things I wanted to and went to bed knowing I had a good day. It was the best feeling.

AUGH!

I can't post all of what I consumed yesterday. I ate so much I don't recall. I do recall supper tho-my husband is a wonderful cook. He made halibut (yummy), with beets and cukes from our garden and homemade lemonade that he and Gavyn made. I know lunch was a ham sandwich on ww bread with a slice of provolone, a snack size of pringles, and broc/caulf/carrots in ranch veggie dip and a diet coke. Later, I had another diet coke in the afternoon and ya, and a beer and popcorn before bed. I know I ate 4 brownies yesterday and 2 handfuls of hershey kisses. I had some crackers with sqeeze cheese and a cheese stick before bed, a cookie at Gryffen's school and 2 toaster muffin tops for breakfast. Take all that junk and add to that the fact that I did not go to the gym again yesterday and I'll know why I can't do the pilates plank tonight at guts and butts. I swear yesterday was an exercise for my jaws rather than anything else. What is wrong with me? No wonder I couldn't find any pants this morning that fit. Today will be a better day!

What happened?

Yesterday was not the best eating day nor did I make it to the gym. I started off ok with breakfast, which was malt-o-meal, then veggies for a snack, but that wasn't doing the trick, so I had some wheat thins with squeeze cheese. How is that stuff even cheese; you don't have to refrigerate it? Lunch was a slice of pizza and a couple sips of coke at a benefit lunch we went to. I won't feel guilty about that because it helped one family defray some medical costs. The son played baseball with Gavyn this summer, so we are glad we could do our part. I had some cherries and a brownie for a snack. I did not have time to get to the gym as we had 2 appointments after work. After both appointments, we went to Johnny Carino's for supper. It was good and the boys both even had left-overs. We waited for dessert until we got home where my husband had purchased the brownie bite things from Sam's club yesterday. They were not as good as usual, they were very dry, but I managed to shove 3 or 4 of them in my mouth before stopping. We did a number of projects and crossed off some of the items on our 'to-do' list and tucked the boys in. Brent and I managed to complete a few more 'to-dos' and I reached for a bed snack about 10:30, then decided I wasn't hungry and didn't need anything to eat. He left to head to Walmart to get another 'to-do' completed and I opened the fridge. He wasn't there to see what I would eat, so I was going to pig out. I didn't!!! That was my one and only victory for the day, but it was a very big one! My goal is to hit the gym tonight. We are having fish of some sort for supper, so that should be healthy; either salmon or halibut and beets for sure since our garden is over-run with them. It's easy to see how quickly one can get off track. I didn't go to the gym yesterday and already I feel like I failed when comparing it to 4 times last week alone! I will not let this set me back, but rather I will get thru one day at a time.

Little Energy

So, last night I did not have a snack with protein in it prior to going to Guts and Butts. I was so tired and lifeless. I was hungry afterwards so I went home and horked down a plate of nachos (chips with melted cheese and salsa). If you try to justify eating it like I do, then here goes; the chips were my grain, the cheese my calcium and the salsa, veggies, so it was almost a well-balanced meal! I get it-that's not right!! After that, I too had a skinny cow ice cream bar-wow was that yummy! Thanks to my sons and husband, there are fewer of those in the freezer now. At first I thought, great they are eating all my treats, then I realized that they were having a healthier snack too. (sometimes hindsight makes me realize it's not always all about me!) After all of that, Gavyn asked me to go on a bike ride. We went what felt like miles after working my legs so hard at my class. It was maybe only a mile total, but it felt really good; for 2 reasons. One-because I was doing something with my son that HE wanted to do and Two-because it was good for me. What a way to cap off the day! I may not have lost any weight yesterday, but I enjoyed a very nice evening with my family and that speaks to my health too!

Weekend Weakness

If any of you reading this recall, I did say I was going to give up beer for a while. I told myself after 5 or 10 pounds, I would reward myself with a cold beer. Well, I am off the wagon already and not because I lost the requisite poundage. We went to Leek Lake in MN this weekend with some friends to their cabin. I think there is something about being at the lake and a requirement of beer drinking, but that could just be me.... Friday night after work started off bad for food. We were late getting out of town, so we stopped by Arby's for a quick sandwich (it was not quick as we sat in the drive-thru for over 25 minutes and they messed up my order!!). I had a roast beef sandwhich with 1 potato patty thing-kinda like a little hash brown patty. I hate those curly fries, so I ordered the patty thing. I drank water and had 2 pieces of licorice and 2 hershey kisses on the way. When we got to the cabin around 11:00, I had 2 pina colada's and some pretzels. Breakfast the next day was 2 small cinnamon roll things and coffee. Lunch was taco salad and fresh fruit and a scotcheroo. About 2:00, I cracked my first beer. After about 4 or 5, I decided to get my arms in shape by clinging to the tube as we were sailing around the lake. I got in a few swimming laps as my graceful body planted itself in the drink more than once. After the 2nd time and feeling a little like barfing, I had had enough of the dragging and got back in the boat for another beer. Supper was lasagna and garlic bread, both of which were small pieces, a brownie and a scotcheroo. One more beer by the campfire and to bed early. Breakfast Sunday morning was a breakfast taco (nummy!!); a soft shell taco with browned sausage, scrambled eggs and cheese. I had a couple cups of coffee too. Lunch was a burger and more fresh fruit and before hitting the boat for the afternoon, another scotcheroo and a beer and finally one more beer for the ride. I tried tubing again and this time, did not fall out which is a good thing because Gryffen was on my lap and I was terrified he would fall out, but he loved every second of it as did Gavyn. We left the cabin about 5:15 to begin the long ride home. I had a couple hershey kisses, some licorice and a sprite on the way. I have not had any pop for about 2 weeks, so it tasted so good, yet not very good if that makes sense. We stopped in Jamestown and grabbed a Little Ceaser's pizza and stopped at our lake cabin on the way home. We got home about 9:30 and I had a tiny scotcheroo before bed. I swear I am not making those things for a really long time because I love them so much I can't stay away from them. I had taken my running stuff to go running each morning, but we couldn't seem to get going, so while the weekend was fun and I drank beer and ate some junk, I will not get discouraged. Today already has been an ok eating day so far and I will go to Guts and Butts tonight. My friend and I are meeting earlier than the class to get a walk in.

Tiny food set-back

Yesterday I did semi-ok for eating (until evening anyway). I had oatmeal for breakfast, a special K bar thing for a snack, blueberries, veggies (with a tiny bit of ranch dipping), a ham sandwich for lunch on 12 grain ww bread, snack was cherries and peanut butter. I went to Guts and Butts. It was better this time; I think because I knew what to expect. Afterwards I was starving. Here's where the set-back comes in. I ate one chicken nugget on the way home. (It was left over from Gryffen's supper as he had to come to class with me until Brent could pick him up about 6:15. He didn't eat his whole Happy Meal and I was hoping Brent would see it and take it with but he didn't, so it was in the car and I was starving so I ate the lone remaining nugget). I should have thrown it in the garbage before I even left the park so it wouldn't be in the car, but I didn't. One single nugget doesn't sound so bad, but here comes the bad part. When I got home it was about 8:15 and I was starving. I made some egg beaters with a little shredded cheese on them (more than I should have but less than I really wanted). I had 3 taco dorito chips, then made scotcheroos, which wasn't bad until I licked the frosting pan, then I cut up some watermelon, cantelope & pineapple. I had to eat some of each, then before bed I ate a small scotcheroo. I think for me it was that I hadn't really had any sweets in about 4 days (other than fruit) and it was late when I ate again (after 8:00). I need to be more aware of this. Maybe I can put some veggies in a lunch bag on the nights when I have Guts and Butts so I munch on those on the way home rather than hork out when I get home. Remember, I'm supposed to have Post Raisin Bran after a work-out, not scotcheroos!! I did not get much water in yesterday either. I only got in maybe 40 ounces. So today needs to be a good day to get back on track. We are heading to MN this weekend with some friends to their cabin. I will NOT eat like a pig. I will eat healthy, like how about the burger without the bun and the fruit I cut up? I am not even taking any beer; only water!! I also packed my running clothes, so I plan to get in at least a light jog or a long walk or maybe both! So I will not post until Monday, but I will post about how the weekend was.

Funny about the bread

Looking at SheShe's comment, I didn't realize just how much bread I ate yesterday. It's a little embarrassing after seeing it on paper all together. I have tried 'tricking' myself into the 2-sandwhiches thing sometimes too! I can't do that with ham tho because the sight of it grosses me out; gotta keep it covered. I will change my breakfast to eggs. I liked the malt-o-meal because it seems to 'stick' with me a little longer. However, I do really like the egg beaters, so i can have those in the morning, perhaps with a little salsa and make it like an omlet? Thanks for making me see just how many carbs I'm horking down.

Disappointed, but not discouraged

Well, like my wise brother-in-law states 'you should not weigh yourself every day'. I weighed this morning and was up 1 from yesterday. I will not get discouraged because that is still 2 less than when I began. I wasn't careful to fit in my water yesterday, only about 40 ounces. Nuts seem to be my downfall. I had a bag of almonds on my desk for protein you know. Well, the bag is 2 and 1/2 servings and I ate the whole bag-thoughout the day, not all at once. But still, I have it in my head that they are ok for you, aside from the fat content but yet it's the right kind of fat and they are high in protein. One is the WW philosophy and the other is my former trainer's philosophy. The problem is I need to adhere to ONE philosophy or I sabbatoge myself! I did not want to go to the gym last night. We are going out of town this weekend and I have a ton of things to get done before we go. I made myself go because I made a committment to myself and I felt SO GOOD when I was done. I warmed up with the 5 minute brisk walk, ran for 11 minutes straight, walked 2, ran 3 more minutes then cooled off with a brisk walking pace until I reached 2 miles, which was just a hair over 30 minutes. I know I don't run very fast, but I think that's why I can keep going; because I keep a slow, steady pace. I noticed a sign at the gym last night for a new class starting in September called Zumba. I think it's kind of like a dance/exercise class. I am going to try to attend because it sounds interesting and will compliment my Guts and Butts class and will add a little variety. It's on Wednesday nights. So Mon-G&B, Tues-run/walk, Wed-Zumba, Thurs-G&B and then I should do a day of weights. I'll post how the class is if I attend. Yesterday I ate ok, except for maybe the almonds-too much fat for the day. Then for supper I had 1/2 serving of egg beaters (I love those things), a tiny scoop of hashbrowns (cooked in butter which was so bad, but tasted so good-but I felt guilty after eating them) and 4 slices of french toast. Before you all freak out too bad, it was WW bread so it was only 1 pt a piece, so I figure my whole supper was probably only 8 points if I were counting. I think the problem was the time. We didn't eat until about 6:30 or shortly after. By then, I was really hungry. The other thing is that Brent wasn't home for supper. He got it started, then had to leave. Because he wasn't there, I ate more. He never says anything about what I eat, but I am cognizant of what I'm eating and when he's not there I eat more. I know it's stupid, but it's what happens. SO, back on track for today. For breakfast I had oatmeal. I did put a little hazelnut coffee creamer in it for flavor, but I did only eat about 3/4 of it. For snacks today I have cherries, broc/cauliflower/carrots, a Special K bar, blueberries and an apple (again, a little too much fruit, but I sometimes don't eat it all, but just leave it on my desk for the next day). Lunch is a ham sandwich on WW bread again and maybe a few pretzel sticks. I brought some Crystal Lite water flavors for today too. I was reading the labels last night and even tho they are just flavors, I only got the ones with 0 everything; no sodium, calories, etc. Then it's off to Guts and Butts tonight again. (It'd better not be raining or we won't get to go). 3 days down, ??? more to go.

Still moving in the right direction-scale #

So I stepped on the scale this morning-down 2 from yesterday so that makes a total of 3 so far. I know that seems like a lot, but seriously I have made some big changes, even if it only has been a couple days. I increased my water intake yesterday to 52 ounces, which is still quite shy of the 90 or so I should be drinking, but every little bit helps. I think more than anything, the number on the scale has moved because of the water. The deal with this is that I am also taking more walks down the hall at work to use the restroom. It's a nice way to force myself to get up and stretch my legs. I went to the gym after work and warmed up with a 5 minute brisk walk, then ran for 12 straight minutes (no incline yet tho) and then walked for a few more, ran a couple more then cooled down with a brisk walk. All in all I only did 25 minutes, but I was getting so bored and I had a million things rolling thru my mind that needed to get done. The great part was it was 5:32 when I walked out of the gym-so I still felt like I had a whole evening left. The entire time I was on the treadmill, my legs were hurting. I know it's from using muscles on Monday in my new class that I haven't used in a while. I debated whether or not to run/walk outside at it was gorgeous and I figure before long I will be forced to exercise indoors, but the thing with the treadmill is I can keep a constant speed and I'm cognizant of how long I actually run whereas when I'm outside, I just find a marker and run to that so I don't force myself to stay running like I do on the treadmill. My goal is to run a little longer each time, even if I only build by 30 seconds or a minute each time, until I reach at least 2 miles and then go from there. I would really love to run the 5K here in Bismarck in September, but we'll see how the running goes. I also don't want to do it if I embarrass myself because that would only discourage me. After the gym, I went home to make supper. I did not snack at all while cooking. I got a big glass of water with a straw and sipped on that. I only ate one taco. I fixed everyone's plates, then sat down and didn't get up. I could hear myself saying 'you'd better have another 1/2 of a taco because you won't eat anything else tonight' and then I asked myself if I was really hungry or just worried that I wouldn't get anything later. I finished my water and kept my butt planted at the table so I wouldn't eat anymore. We took the boys school shopping (which is a workout itself). When we got home, I had a banana, took a shower and tucked my babies in. I laid in bed watching tv for a little too long (the truth is there was a bug flying around in our room and I couldn't get it with the flyswatter and I couldn't shut the light off knowing it might crawl on me in my sleep). I woke up this morning tired and because I'm tired, my body feels like it weighs a ton. I am going to get some water in as soon as I finish my coffee for the day. I had malt-o-meal for breakfast again, have grapes, animal crackers, pretzels, jello and apple and almonds for my snacks today and a ham sandwhich on light bread for lunch. I am determined to have a great day today. Brent will be picking up the boys tonight so I am off to the gym again tonight! My body is a little achey/sore from the class on Monday night, but I will power thru it-you know like it hurts so good! (that's me trying to stay positive)! 2 days down, ???? many to go.

First workout review-scale #

Today the scale read one pound less than yesterday. Last night was the first workout in Guts and Butts with Randal. It wasn't a lot of cardio which was good so I didn't get so winded. It was a lot of leg work, mine kept cramping up, and some crunches. Not as many crunches as leg stuff, but a lot of the stuff we did I can totally do at home in between workouts. I'm not sore yet today, but I can feel it, so I know I will be later this afternoon and tomorrow. The entire time we were working out I kept thinking to myself how heavy I was. It was hard not too when you have to support your weight with your arms or legs during the workout. I told myself that I would not give up because it was my own fault and that I didn't put the weight on overnight, so I wasn't going to wake up skinny this morning! I mentioned to my husband I wanted to go to the gym tonight after work. He said he had an appt but would absolutely modify his schedule because he is excited to see me taking the steps to get healthy. How wonderful is he?? I am so lucky to have so much support at home, not to mention my sister Shelia. Even my son Gavyn, who's only 8, is very supportive. Last night he asked me to go on a bike ride. I had to decline because my legs still felt like jello an hour after the class. I knew I would need something to eat for fuel prior to the class. I had an apple with some peanut butter. I asked Randal after class what I could eat so I wouldn't ruin my good all-day eating and the workout. He told me post-workout should be post cereal; Raisin bran to be exact. So my friend and I went together to support each other in only buying a box of cereal. When I got home and fixed some cereal, my son Gryffen (who will be 5 next week), looked at the box and told me it was good because it had the food pyramid on it. He even told me what the colors meant on the food pyramid; like yellow is oils. I was so proud of him. Why is it that an almost 5 year old gets it and a 35 year old struggles? I made sure to drink a lot of water while I was having my cereal so I felt full and wouldn't want to dig in the cupboard. It worked! Randal made an example of me after the class as to what you should be eating before the class. He said what I ate was exactly right and told the other women they should do the same. There were 9 women last night, ranging in age from about 25-45. I was not the youngest or the oldest, and a bunch of the group looks to be about my size. There was one lady who is a former smoker and has taken Randal's bootcamp class before. She has a really flat stomach, so there's proof it works I guess. I got in about 48 oz of water yesterday only, which is about 1/2 of what I should be drinking. I decided that 10 am is the coffee cut-off time for me. Today I had malt-o-meal for breakfast. I have a jello cup for a snack today, along with an apple and some grapes. I am going to have the apple with peanut butter this afternoon before going to the gym for my protein. I went to grab some carrots and celery from the fridge this morning, but they were moldy (there goes about $4 worth of groceries again). I need to get some veggies so I don't eat so much fruit for snacks because it is high in natural sugar, still better than candy or something, but I've got to watch the sugar too. I brought a ham sandwich on lite bread for lunch with some pretzel sticks. I wonder about the carb thing for me; you know like Shelia has. She says she gets crabby without carbs. I didn't have any yesterday and by the time I went to bed I was so crabby. I wonder if it isn't because of the no-carbs? I was getting annoyed at the littlest things, but I held strong, stayed out of the kitchen, showered and went to bed. I gotta say, it felt so good. I ate well, exercised and got to bed early! One day down, ??? many more to go.

Epiphany

I guess I've had 2 epiphany or 'ah-ha' moments in the last week. The first one was last weekend when I was wedding dress shopping with my 3 sisters, mom and niece. The back of the bridal store is filled with mirrors. I could see myself from every angle. I couldn't stop staring in disbelief that the face looking back at me was attached to the body. I am very disappointed in myself that I've let myself get this big. I know some women would like to be my size, but for me it's unacceptable. It's gotten to the point, as it has been at this point for some time now, that my weight has become all-consuming. It's constantly on my mind. My second 'ah-ha' epiphany moment was more like an event than a moment. I had a bachelorette party last week. I had been looking forward to it for over a year. When the time came for the party, I felt oddly uncomfortable and out of place. First off, I was older than most of the girls, which wasn't a big deal, but when they were all skinny, with these great little party dresses and perky boobs, I'd had all I could take. I used my allergies as an excuse as to why my eyes were watering when the truth was I was crying. I found an opportunity to leave without much notice and skipped the whole evening. I drove home all the while telling myself that I was just as fun as they were and had every right to enjoy the evening, but couldn't bring myself to go back out to party. I woke up the next morning thankful that I wasn't overly tired and hungover, but also feeling like a crappy friend for lying and saying I had a headache and decided to stay home. I am not the kind of person who lets my friends down and if my friend knew the real reason I didn't go out, she'd be disappointed in me. SO, after all this (this isn't the first time I've let my weight keep me from enjoying something), I decided I have to get in the right mental state, buck up and take some action. Just like I said I would do with my sister beginning Sunday August 16th, I am starting over for the last time!! I had a fairly good eating day yesterday and while I didn't manage to get any exercise in, I did not over-eat. I've attached a pic of me and my friend Tammy from a couple weeks ago. I posted it so I can see how puffy my face is. We had a blast that night and after a few too many cocktails, I didn't care that I was 'rockin' my beer gut' on the dance floor. I want every night out to be that way, but without having to wait until the cocktails hit to shed my inhibitions. So here goes my plan: I signed up for a Guts & Butts Bootcamp. It starts today, meets twice a week for 75 minutes each time and runs for 8 weeks. I called the instructor last night to add my name to the list and inquire about a couple things. We were on the phone for 40 minutes. In the first 10 minutes, he had me rethinking attending. He said there would be a lot of nights I would be wishing I hadn't signed up and I told him that's my fault. I wouldn't be in this predicament if I'd had some self discipline in the past. I am sorta looking forward to it. The one thing I am unsure of is that it's an outdoor class. We will be at a park tonight and then the class moves to a different venue around the city every time, so we can utilize some outdoor stuff. I'm guessing this means one night we will probably be a the football stadium running the stairs, one night will be running up/down hills and stuff. I just worry about the elements. I like to be comfortable when I work-out (maybe that's part of the problem). He said I will have less ass following me around by the middle of October and less of a gut protruding from over my jeans. I guess he'll be a miracle worker! My husband is so very supportive! Also between classes, my goal is to go to the gym at least twice on my own during the week. That gives me a total of 4 times a week-I have made the committment to myself to do this. It will be hard some nights, but not as hard as trying to fit in my jeans all the time. To compliment this exercise plan, I am going to eat healthy. I am off to a wonderful start today already. We are celebrating my assistants birthday in the office today. I did NOT eat a piece of the rhubarb dessert she brought. I had malt-o-meal for breakfast, a banana at 10:30 and I brought a WW meal for lunch. My plan is to have breakfast at 7am, either fruit or vegetables for a snack at 10am, lunch at 1pm and a snack at 4pm of fruit, veggies or a protein shake. I have committed to making healthy meals at home (which should be easy with all the produce from our garden). I have also given up pop. I have not had any for over a week now. The big thing for me right now is going to be to give up beer. I am going to try to give up all alcohol, but I also want to be realistic. Although, I am a beer drinker, so giving up the other alcohols won't be as hard as giving up the beer. I am going to drink a ton of water. I will still enjoy my 2 cups of coffee in the morning-I can't go cold-turkey with everything and coffee is not something I am prepared to give up. The instructor (Randall is his name) said something to me last night that makes sense, but pisses me off a little. He said its harder for women to lose weight, so why shouldn't they have to work harder. I guess this entire journey will be hard, but I am hoping to stay positive. I just know that if I can see some sort of change, I can stay motivated! Shelia, this is where you come in. You have been unwavering in your support and I have failed you. I am committed to posting on this blog and to supporting you. So here goes-we're off on the journey for the last time! Love you-

WHAT A WORKOUT

Well, I made it to the gym tonight after work. I had an Awesome workout! I did a little over 3 miles on the track, lifted 2 sets of weights and did some crunches! This, all after I donated plasma this morning. Working out on my plasma days is usually a really big NO-NO, but it wasn't so bad tonight. Brent had supper ready when I got home; meatloaf (he makes the best meatloaf), mashed potatoes and peas. I drank a whole bottle of water and ate just a few spuds and peas, but had 2 pieces of meatloaf. I figured that was ok because of the protein. And here I thought I would have popcorn for supper tonight. So that's 2 days in a row. Now, I just need to hang on to that over the weekend and into next week. I haven't really been keeping track of the miles on my new running shoes, but since I started the 'training' thing for the 5K, I must have about 15 on them at least, plus a couple more from before I started. I don't think I will 'mile them out' before the big event, but maybe afterwards, that can be my excuse for getting new ones. Although, this pair IS my indoor pair!

Whew-have I been busy

Not doing what I should-going to the gym; but rather trying to keep up with everything else. Brent had a busy week, which means I didn't get to the gym. Last night was the first time I have been there in over a week. I tried the walk/jog routine and the first couple laps that I ran I felt like I weighed a ton. My left knee hurt, I could feel my butt jiggling around behind me and my arms even felt like cement. I toughed out a little over 2 miles, felt like a fat piece of crap and went home. I am going tonight after work. After next week, I need to up my game and start doing 3 miles instead of just 2 and I need to run more laps than I walk.