Zumba

Well, the New Year has started and so far so good on the resolution. I have made far better food choices and better use of my time at home with my family. I have some lofty goals this year, but I am determined this will be my year. I will turn 36 in a few days and I refuse to be the same person I have been. She is not the person I saw myself being when I grew up. Now, I've set the goals; accomplishing them will take planning, discipline and time. We are 14 days into the new year and so far, so good. Last week I went to a Zumba class at the Y. I loved it. It's kinda like jammin' dancing. I have gone 4 times and I plan to keep going. The class is very popular and last night there were over 70 people in the class. I'm not all that coordinated, but I don't really care. There are a lot of little hotties in the class, but that doesn't bother me. I sweat my ass off and I don't care that I might look like a chubby dork. In a few months I hope to be less chubby and less dorky!

Unrecognizable

That's what I see when I look at myself in so many ways. I hate the person I've become and I don't just mean the weight. I hate that my weight consumes me, makes me tired and crabby, I feel like I'm lumbering everytime I do something or go somewhere and I hate that my issues with it affect my parenting. I am quick to get grouchy and I know it's cuz I'm irritated with myself, not necessarily the boys or Brent, but they bear the brunt of my bitchiness, which is entirely unfair. I have had some serious thoughts as to seeking an addiction counselor. Candy and sweets consume me. I am tired of my clothes not fitting or wearing stuff that doesn't look very cute b/c it's a huge size. The other night at supper, both of the boys made a comment about my weight and while it hurt to hear it, I couldn't put down my food. What the hell does that say about me??? I heard something one time that said I don't need to lose weight to be happy, but be happy and the weight will be lost. I try to adhere to that philosophy, but I'm sure it came from someone skinny trying to inspire millions! I plan to dust off the journal SheShe sent me and get crackin.

New Challenge

I know this isn't much, but yesterday it was 80 degrees in Bismarck and after lunch I couldn't wait to get outside. We had spent the day at the lake on Saturday seeding the grass. I didn't work too hard, but I did rake some leaves just to pass the time. Gryffen wanted to jump off the fence into a pile of leaves, so he kept asking me to rake more and more and I thought, why not? I'm getting exercise and my son wants to do something fun. So while it wasn't much exercise, it was better than sitting down doing nothing. As for Sunday, when we did go out after lunch (which was open face turkey sandwiches that were yummy), I rode bike in the back yard with Gavyn. He made a dirt bike trail in the tree row, so to get back there I had to ride my bike to the back of our yard. Now, I know that doesn't sound like much and when you look at the yard you do not see an incline, but let me tell you when you are my size trying to ride a bike that is probably not the right size and you are going up a slight incline, it sucks! When we got to the trail, it was slightly wet, which created mud on the tires, so now add about 5 or 8 extra pounds of mud-weight to the already difficult biking terrain and it was an asthma attack waiting to happen. I'll pause here so you can catch your breath because I know you are laughing your tush off! So anyway, after one round on the trail, I had to decline another round. So Gryffen and I took Murry for a walk around the block and Gavyn rode my bike with us trying to get the mud off the tires. So my whole point in all of this is that I did exercise of some sort 2 days in a row. I had to skip lunch today at work due to some scheduling issues so I am leaving an hour early, which means I am going to go to the gym. I have my bag in the car and was planning to check in later with Brent to make sure he could get the boys from school so I could go, but now since I'm leaving early, that won't even be an issue. When I got to work today, I had an email from my Butts and Guts instructor. He said we were having class tonight, but the last time we met, he'd pretty much said he was going to give our class refunds and start over in January if anyone wanted to. So I assumed we were done and hadn't planned on going. We have some stuff going on tonight and if it weren't for me getting off early today, I'd try to accomodate going, but since I'm planning to go to the gym anyway, I may not go to Butts and Guts. Although, as an added bonus, I really should. So my new challenge is to get back on track with exercising regularly and to use the food tracker thing SheShe is going to send me. So ladies, let's get refocused and back on track!!

Candy

I am frustrated. Blogging about it doesn't help motivate me, it just helps me wallow in my commisery. My Butts and Guts class is almost over, my butt seems to have only increased in size. My gut is no tighter. I was actually the only one who showed up to the class last Thursday. It was cold out, but not raining, so there was no reason others didn't show up, but they didn't. I felt good about that at least; that I had made the committment and actually showed up. I think a lot of the women have given up. I have too, but I figure I paid for the class, I'm going to go and get my money's worth. It was kinda nice being there by myself. I got individualized attention, although we got to talking about nutrition and stuff, which is good, but then I felt like he was pushing me to sign up to take some personal sessions with him. He's $35 a session and he went on to describe how the sessions would work and he said something about how it would be 10-12 sessions over a 3 month time frame. What I really would like if I could afford and my schedule would allow would be to do 4 times a week every week for a at least 3 or 4 weeks to begin to see some results. He also mentioned that we could only workout at certain places because even tho he and I are both members of the Y, he couldn't work out with me there because he's not a trainer for them. I thought it would just be like 2 friends working out together. We both paid for memberships, so what difference does it make if he works out on the machine next to me or we run the track side by side, but he said he would be uncomfortable doing that. Well, I am uncomfortable paying for another membership elsewhere in addition to private session fees. It doesn't make any sense for me to pay extra for another gym. I already have a gym membership and it's only 3 blocks from my office, so why can't I just drag my butt there every day. As for the Halloween candy, it ticks me off. There is never not a 'season' when there isn't some candy in a new seasonal wrapper that screams at me to buy it and eat it.

Commitments

I made a commitment to blog. I made a commitment to drink more water. I made a commitment to eat healthier. I made a commitment to my husband 12 years ago this Sunday. Why can I keep a commitment to my husband for 12 years already and yet I can't keep my other commitments? I struggle with this because they seem to simple and yet are the most difficult to stay committed to. My Butts and Guts class is more than 1/2 over and I don't look any different from behind, the side, the front or any other way you look at me. I know it's because I can't change my entire body with 2 workouts a week. I need to be doing something in between. The instructor scheduled some make up classes for us. I made it to one so far. Tonight class is cancelled because of the weather. We had class Monday and a make up both Tuesday and Wednesday. I didn't make it to either of them. I could have gone last night, but I had some other errands that I had been putting off for over a week. It felt great to get them off my 'to-do' list and I did eat well yesterday, so I guess that's how I justify it. The weather is continually getting cooler, so maybe I'll feel more like I can get to the gym rather than wanting to get home to be outside doing stuff. I did step on the scale on Tuesday and was depressed with the number. I stepped on today and it was down 2 lbs. Don't get too excited. I fluctuate those 2 lbs continuously. We are having a dinner party get together at my friend Amy's this weekend. She does the B & G class with me. I am down to bring a salad. I am going to find a healthy one and I am not going to over eat! (I'm going to save most of my calories for wine!) This morning as I was attempting to drag my lumbering body out of the car, saddled with my oversized purse, my briefcase, a full lunchbag and my coffee, it hit me that as difficult as it was because I felt like I weighed 1000 lbs, it will only get worse at winter comes and rages on. Not only will it be all this stuff, but a heavy jacket and heavier clothing in general. I need to get my priorities straight and focus on my health. I've said it before and I'll continue to say it; my weight consumes me so it's not just my physical health that I need to focus on but my mental health as well. I think part of my mental health will be improved when I'm not thinking about my weight all the time. I have my gym bag in the car because I didn't know class was cancelled until I got to work and I usually keep it in the car anyway. Brent went to Minot today and if he gets back in time to pick up the boys, I have no excuse not to go to the gym. I packed only good, nutritous foods today and I've been eating like this all week. If I could just get past the 2 lbs fluctuation, I'd feel like I accomplished something and it would be the spark I need. I just need to stay on track, get past the hump and take it one day at a time.

Make that 3 in a row

Yesterday was a good eating day too! We had ice cream bars for an afternoon treat at work as part of state employees recognition week; mine is still in the freezer because I refused to eat it! I had a little extra part of a sandwhich for supper last night but I was starving for some reason. Other than that, I did great. I did not get any exercise in, but I managed to get 3 bottles of water down. I know that's not enough and I should have exercised too, but 1 out of 3 is better than none!

2 in a row

Yesterday was a good day too. I ate well the entire day, but did not get in all the water I should have. I did not get a workout in, but I stayed active and busy the entire evening. It was hot yesterday and we didn't turn on the air before leaving the house and it was a steamy 79 degrees in the house when we got home. We figured it would start cooling off by the time we got home and since we would be gone all day it wouldn't make sense to turn on the air. Well, since it was so hot I splurged and had a beer at the end of the night. It was a mic ultra, so I guess that counts for something. The scale was down 1/2 pound today. Not much else to blog about.....